"Ideal" vs. Good Marriage

A longer discussion of my personal take on marriage

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Last week, I wrote a note briefly describing my personal feelings on marriage and being a wife. Specifically, I mentioned how I would prefer to marry someone who loves me for who I am as an individual rather than pressuring me into a hyper traditionalist box that doesn’t align with who I am created to be. Of course, there is a lot to be fleshed out with that sentence, but in the simplest terms, I don’t want to give up the personality that God has blessed me with in order to appease a “traditional” man’s perspective of the “ideal woman”. I am not saying that marriage should go without sacrifice—that’s kind of an essential quality. I am also not saying that I’m against Paul’s assertion that wives must submit to their husbands—I’m not a heretic.

However, I have noticed a trend within the American church that encourages young women to become farmhouse homemakers whose day-to-day life involves baking bread, wearing really expensive gingham dresses, and having children that they will eventually homeschool. With this, there is an assertion that the “ideal” husband is a theology-obsessed businessman who acts as the sole representative for the family. He handles the finances, works so his wife doesn’t have to, and engages in all of the awkward post-church conversations with that one guy who refuses to make eye contact with you that you’re pretty sure is Catholic but will never ask.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this lifestyle. Heck, sounds pretty great on the surface, and some of the things associated with traditional womanhood are apart of my daily life. I’ve had a sourdough starter for two years, and I love it. However, sometimes we can prescribe certain ideals we uphold as the “right” way to live, causing some people with different personalities, backgrounds, and priorities to feel an inherent wrongness of self when they don’t fit neatly into this box. More specifically, I fear that many of these ideals revolving around hyper-traditional conventions perpetuate a standard for women that leaves them feeling void, unheard, and undesirable. It can also cause the men in those relationships to treat their wives as objects rather than human beings worthy of love and dignity.¹

My goal for this essay is not to write an apology. I am not here to make an exhaustive defense of my beliefs nor assert a sense of authority on the subject matter. I don’t really care how many people agree or disagree with me. Life is too short to try and be “correct” in every argument, especially those based on opinions. Also, I do not speak for all women. I am not here to offer a wide-reaching perspective for my gender, but rather my individual perspective on what I would prefer for a marriage and how I wish the church would better promote the dignity and agency of young women before and long after they are married.

What Scripture says

To start, I want to talk a little bit about Biblical submission between husbands and wives and how much of church culture (at least from what I’ve witnessed in the Southern Baptist world) can sometimes perpetuate a more misogynistic and/or passively degrading view of how a marriage should work.

In Ephesians 5:22, Paul writes, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

The implication is that wives must give up everything to serve and honor their husbands. They are to depict the faithful submission of believers to Christ. I do believe that is what Paul is trying to convey, and I don’t disagree with him. However, I disagree with how numerous churches and congregation members use this against the women amongst them. These verses are often either consciously or subconsciously used to assert that women must sacrifice every aspect of their personality and individuality to cater to their husbands’ every whim. This is a generalization with broad terms that neglects to acknowledge the practical application of the meaning of Paul’s words. There is an understanding that marriage is a sacrificial institution in which both parties deny themselves to submit to the other. Which is why Paul continues thus:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (5:25-28)

It seems that Paul describes marriage as a reciprocal relationship in which each partner seeks to honor, love, and serve the other as they would love themselves. The husbands are not granted some superior ability that makes them more pure or “better” than their wives. While the dynamics may differ in how a wife honors her husband and vice versa, the level of respect and dignity given to one another should be equal. Though Christ is clearly the authoritative figure in His relationship with the church body, His leadership is shown through humility and submission to His bride, which should be mirrored in the covenant of marriage.

A beautiful portrayal of this is John 13 in which Christ washes the disciples’ feet.² The symbolic significance of Christ’s humility reveals how a husband should love his wife. He should not view her as solely the one who pleases and comforts him and provides him children. If the wife is called to humble herself to the faithful submission of the church, then husbands must present themselves as Christ-like figures, humbling and submitting themselves even more. Ultimately, husbands should be encouraging their wives to use their gifts for God’s glory and wives should do the same in return. Alongside this, the church should be empowering married and engaged couples by urging them to use their unity for God’s glory more than encouraging conventional standards that could hinder their ability to honor the Lord.

True Biblical womanhood

A beautiful passage of Scripture that is often misunderstood in Proverbs 31. The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of dignity who is strong, discerning, hard-working, wise, kind, and fears the Lord. She is not passive, nor is she hidden away from the world. Rather, she engages in commerce and speaks with fruitful teaching. I believe that the hyper-traditional Christian view has failed to truly see and honor Biblical womanhood. The Proverbs 31 woman contributed to the world herself. She had giftings and skills that were not hindered or dismissed by her marriage but rather thrived within that covenant.

Again, I am not trying to speak for all women. That is not my burden to bear, and I fear I would bear it very poorly if I tried. But I know who I am. I have been gifted with perspective, skills in leadership, and empathy that allow me to connect with different people. I’m also a writer who wants to use her words fruitfully, seeking to honor the Lord and His creation regardless of how scary or uncomfortable it can be. It would be a shame if my husband demanded that I give up these qualities that are so incredibly essential to who I am, and that mirror some of the traits of the Proverbs 31 woman, solely to satisfy his preferences for a quiet, “submissive” wife.

Many Christian men aren’t worthy of a traditional wife

This leads to my next issue: many Christian guys perpetuate unfair and fruitless standards for women because they are insecure and/or immature. I think it’s a disgrace for Christian guys who have not taken the time to mature emotionally and mentally to believe that they are even worthy of an “ideal” marriage, let alone perpetuate the ideal on all of their women peers and younger girls. When dating or looking for a potential marriage partner, whatever your goals are, I think it is important for men and women to do some self-work and see what they actually bring to the table. Otherwise, the church may find itself creating unions of very insecure individuals who demand so much so fast that they aren’t even worthy of receiving because they haven’t put in the work to be worthy of the one they are pursuing, traditional or not.

I also have a different perspective on some of these things because of my background. I did not grow up in a secure Christian home. I grew up around blue-collar boys who like to drink, dip snuff, and drive recklessly on backroads. However, many of these guys are some of the hardest-working, most genuine, dedicated people I have ever met, and any woman who would have the privilege of ending up with some of them would be truly blessed and cared for.

Oftentimes, I think we as Christians assume that we have everything figured out because of our beliefs. That we are magically going to be better than the average Joe. But that’s simply not the case. I know several non-Christian men who would put some of the Christian men I have met to shame with how secure, intelligent, authentic, disciplined, and respectful they are. It’s a very special thing as a young woman when the young men around you show you respect, acknowledge your dignity, and show genuine interest in who you are as an individual, rather than asking you to change who you are to fit their ideal mold.

I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not trying to attack anyone’s value system. But I do know this: just because you are a Christian man seeking a Christian woman and you uphold certain values, that does not mean you will be a God-honoring husband. That takes work, sacrifice, and humility that may cost you some of your ideals. Marriage is hard—more than that, marriage is a real thing. It takes place in a broken world that refuses to conform to our ideals, no matter how hard we try to assert them.

I want my marriage to be fun

Aside from all the utilitarian and transactional things that occur in a marriage, as well as the beautiful, wonderful spiritual connection of forming a covenant and eternal bond with someone else, marriage should be fun. Your partner should be someone that you have fun with. That you are joyful with. That you delight in. And that’s the key for me: I want my husband and I to delight in each other.

How do you know if you’re going to have fun with someone? You let them be themselves around you. You get to know who they are as an individual. How do they like their eggs? When they laugh, do they snort their nose or slap their knee? Why is their favorite book their favorite book? Do you notice how at peace they feel when they listen to their favorite Pearl Jam song? Don’t you love them because of how outspoken they are about their beliefs and how willing they are to share their testimony with others? Wasn’t the thing that caught your eye how they raised their hand in that one Dr. Kelly class and answered that really deep Christological question? Didn’t you think, “Man, what a woman.”?

Do you want these things to go away when you get married? I don’t think you do. Yes, there is a healthy amount of growth and maturity that should take place within a marriage, but that doesn’t mean that you become a completely different person. You marry someone because you love who they are, not for who you think you can make them become. The danger of perpetuating certain ideals is that you prioritize the ideal over the person who you choose to be with. It’s as if saying that who they are is no longer enough or worth marrying. That they have to change everything about themselves to fit into this “picturesque” convention that is more than likely urged by vanity and pride.

Final thoughts

Contrary to what some readers may think, I would sacrifice anything for my husband. I intend to choose him over myself every single day until my dying breath. With that being said, I pray that if/when I marry, the man I unite with loves me so fully, so deeply, that he would not ask me to be quiet and submissive in ways that feed his ego rather than honor the Lord. I want to be beheld like a precious daughter of God, not an accessory to my husband’s Sunday best. I hope he would appreciate me and the things that make me who I am, the things that make me the woman he fell in love with. In return, I want to do the same.

I do not want to ask my husband to sacrifice who he is to satisfy my unrealistic ideals. If anything, as his wife, I want to support and encourage him, and I want him to become even more of himself—even more of the man God has created him to be in his marriage with me. I would hope he would want the same for me. I want him to love me in such a way that he would want his every breath to encourage me to become more myself, to embrace more of my true being than to conform me into a mold that strips me of my voice.

Some women are perfectly designed to fit the hyper-traditional mold, and that’s beautiful. I fear I am not meant to take that shape, at least not completely. I have opinions and a nontraditional perspective, much of which is based on how I was raised. I have seen, heard, and experienced things that many of my peers have never endured. And rather than hiding all of these things that I know, I have seen how the Lord has used these things for His glory. I do not think that would glorify the Lord for me to deny these parts of my life and personality for the sake of some conventional preferences.

For those of you who have made it this far and are afraid that I’m going to shack up with a non-Christian, calm down. Rather than being concerned with what I am or am not going to do, I think it’s important that each of us take inventory of who we are, where our hearts are, and what takes precedence in our lives. If we want to pursue God-honoring relationships and marriages, we need to understand the level of humility and self-sacrifice that goes into them.

We also need to acknowledge that just because we are Christians, we are not void of being terrible or insufferable people. I do not want to hide behind my Christianity and wear it as a mask or use it as a Band-Aid to cover up my inability to take responsibility and properly care for those around me. I’m not saying all Christian men do this, nor that Christian women are incapable of doing this. As Paul wrote, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23).

Traditional conventional values and Christian marriages can get along beautifully, and they often do. However, I know myself, and I know I can uphold many traditional values and that I can play the convention game decently well. I also know the Lord has gifted me with leadership, wisdom, and discernment. I am outspoken, especially in my writing, and I do not shy away from using the occasional curse word to capture the utter depravity of a situation.

These traits don’t seem to fit neatly into the mold of a traditional woman, at least not from what I have observed. I think it would be a shame for me to shut my mouth and stare at the floor and never speak my opinion ever again for the sake of my husband‘s pride. I wouldn’t call that submission; I would call it stupid and dishonoring to the Lord.

But hey, I ain’t getting married anytime soon. Maybe my opinions are a reason why. Or, maybe they have and will continue to protect and preserve me until the Lord blesses me with someone who delights in me. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

1. We should not neglect to acknowledge that the Modern West offers a great deal of flexibility for marriage. We are privileged enough to choose who we want to marry and how we want to treat them. Because of this, there is a temptation to treat others as dolls or accessories that we can customize to fit our preferences. I fear that many Christians and non-Christians have abused their ability to choose and sought to strip away the personality and dignity of their partners. Aside from discrediting their humanity, this attitude has consequences like all things. Your partner may spend years feeling undervalued and unloved because you have perpetuated unrealistic/incompatible standards on them that unnecessary and/or misplaced. This can lead to “unexplainable” behavior, irrational outbursts, or worst-case scenario, divorce. This goes for both genders, not just women.

2. Don’t get me started on this as a trend for many engagements and marriages. That’s a completely different thing that I am in no mood to discuss.